What’s it Like to Live With a Bunch of People?

Well, have you ever had roommates, housemates, been in a romantic relationship, or in a band? Do you remember squabbling over chores, different cleanliness tolerances, finances, did you have miscommunications, did people get hurt feelings?

This is that times fifty!

We balance all of these dynamics in our own households PLUS community-wide. That’s co-housing. 

Does it take a lot of self-awareness, humility, self-growth, communication skills, engagement, willingness, hard work, and so so so so many emails and meetings? You betcha.

We’re a bunch of humans who are trying to live together in a communal way, yet don’t know how because we grew up in the modern American individualistic society that surrounds us. We are people with our own pasts, baggage, triggers, emotions, opinions, traumas, healthy/unhealthy coping skills…and it gets messy. We get some things right and some things wrong. 

Sometimes, people get mad and don’t speak to each other. Maybe they successfully resolve the conflict and maybe it gets ignored and festers until it’s a dark cloud over the whole community, maybe someone moves out because it’s untenable. Guilt, resentment, and shame are common emotions that are discussed in relation to running this place together. We get frustrated when we spend hours and several meetings to make one small decision about our shared home. Sometimes it can seem that there are grievances, criticisms, and limits at every turn. Some people are sad when tensions and anxieties rise. Some people retreat from community life when things get hard and others rise up to help lead us through. Hopefully we can apologize when we mess up. Ideally we call each other “in” not “out” for wrongdoings.

What is it like when it’s working well? I’d say we’re breaking bread together regularly, it seems like everyone is pulling their weight, we have productive and heartfelt meetings, joyful events are planned and attended, folks are using good conscious communication skills and thinking about the impact of their words, our egos don’t get in the way, we feel like we understand each other, we feel a strong sense of trust and relationship, we are empathetic and supportive, people step up to fill roles and problem solve, and people generally have space in their life for community care.

When it’s working well our differences become a source of strength, and we feel that our decisions are wiser because of the many perspectives they encompass.

When it’s working well we feel connected and as though our neighbors know us well, embracing us despite our foibles and idiosyncrasies. We’ve taken the time to build trust and a community of care. There is gratitude for the depth of friendships that can emerge, sharing cups of tea, hikes, skiing, encouraging each other in biking and pickleball, going to shows together, supporting each other in times of need, and children run from house to house with immense levels of safety and joy. Our relationships can sometimes feel like a combination of being neighbors, family, friends, and co-workers – all at the same time.  

The social, emotional, interpersonal aspects of co-housing are not easy. Embarking on this way of living is quite the endeavor, but when you do it whole-heartedly, it can be beautiful.